I made a vow.

I said, "I take you to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

Well, I thought when my husband was unemployed for a year and a half was the worst. I honored our vows through that, so I thought we are all good.

And then it happened. We had a big, ugly, nasty fight that was the stick that broke the camels back. Things were said that couldn't be taken back. Statements that struck the core of who I was were uttered. I felt like I was punched in the gut and all the life went out of me. And for the first time in 8 years I thought, is this worth it? I struggled with hopelessness, frustration, angry, and hurt.

For almost two weeks I was "eh." For me this was a big deal. I'm a passionate, emotional person, but during this time I was simply indifferent to anything to do with my husband. He would hug me, kiss me, tell me he loves me and I didn't respond. I was done. I was scared. I thought that the end of my marriage was eminent. How long could we continue with what was said? With the pain and frustration that had been building in my husband for months? How could we go on?

I have heard many times that love is a choice and I had come to the place where I wanted to choose not to love. At least not love in a way that would cost me anymore.

And then I remembered I made a vow. A pledge, to resolve solemnly to do. So if that vow meant anything to me then things had to change. I had to change. Because at this point it wasn't about my husband, or what he said. It was about me. It was about my heart. I wasn't sure how things were going to change, so I prayed. I prayed God would open my heart to my husband. I prayed that God would help me choose to love him again. I cried. I prayed. I cried. I prayed. And I tried.


I started with 1 Corinthians 13, because if love was a choice, what did that choice look like... 

Love does not give up.
Love is kind. 
Love is not jealous. 
Love does not put itself up as being important. 
Love has no pride. 
Love does not do the wrong thing. 
Love never thinks of itself. 
Love does not get angry. 
Love does not remember the suffering that comes from being hurt by someone.  
Love is not happy with sin. 
Love is happy with the truth.  
Love takes everything that comes without giving up. 
Love believes all things. 
Love hopes for all things. 
Love keeps on in all things.

Shoot! Love does not give up. Well, if I'm choosing to love, I can't quit. It's not an option. 

I need to be kind, even if I don't feel like it. Even if I'm still hurting.

Love does not do the wrong thing...

Love does not get angry, I had to let go of the tornado inside me.

Love is happy with the truth, hmmm...were there things that my husband said that are true? Was I easily agitated with him? Did I get a tone with him? 

In the New International Versions it ends with, It (love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Always, huh?  Every time, in all circumstances, always.

I'm sharing this not because I need your recommendations on a marriage counselor. I share this, because I can't be the only one who has been here. Whose heart has been broken in two and the pain is so great its physical.  When the desire to fix it is zero. I share it because there is hope. My God is a God who heals and restores.

Are things amazing between my husband and I? No. But they are improving. Day by day as I chose to love, as I honor my vow, it gets better. Please don't give up on your marriage, on your spouse. 

I know there are people out there who are living with spouses who are in unimaginable circumstances. The pain you have suffered can't be measured. And you need help, ask for it. Find a pastor, counselor who will pray with you, listen to you, and give you wise counsel and hope. Pray.

"I take you, Dan, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

So you got me, 'til I die! For better or worse.